ONE LEFT TOENAIL MISSING

It’s a regular old Wednesday today. I mean regular old in the sense that all the nuanced anxiety and depression elements now having experienced them for years seem regular and you feel drained and well, old. A million things rush through your mind, thoughts, and feelings you cannot for the life of you separate, and the crippling fear that it’s never going to end. Last night you realized that the guy you’ve been hanging out with is more than likely ghosting you, plus after having moved back into your parents' house at 21, your dad announces that your parents are taking your little sister to Florida for a couple of months. Your elder brother is moving to Spain and there you are: miserably failing to complete driver's ed, getting up at 11 am after pressing the snooze button for 4 hours, floating through time and space, and not being able to do anything against falling too deep. You apply to a bunch of meaningless jobs from serving drunk losers from behind a bar to being the social media manager of some classical orchestra, while your old room doesn’t even have a desk in it. You sit on your bed all day pretending to be building up your future, but all you manage to accomplish is a couch potato butt and some more mental disorders. Oh yeah, you started seeing your therapist again - your mom made you visit a psychologist once before when you were 15 and had a drastic eating disorder, but of course, officially that wasn’t the main reason, they told you it was for you to learn to meditate. So you reconnect with the professional and start extremely chaotically unfolding what it is that’s working inside of you. Guilt, anger, resentment towards yourself, which now you recognize but have no fucking clue what to do with. She gives you quizzes and brochures in which you can read about your feelings but in reality, it isn’t the practical toolkit you hoped for.
God, I wish there was a toolbox for all my emotions. Whenever I feel sad I could just grab a screwdriver and fix my loose hanging pieces. You wouldn’t even have difficulty figuring out what it is that hurts so bad because you’d just look at the inventory that comes with your body & brain. One left toenail missing = you probably feel irritated because you can’t find a job even though you have a university degree. Right toenail missing = you are mad at yourself for letting yourself feel close to someone regardless of the numerous red flags you told your girlfriends about, but said “haha someone else would probably consider this a red flag, but I prefer to see the best in people.” What a dumb bitch. So, right toenail missing = you’re angry at your hopeful dumb bitch self. Grab a tool from the box and reattach the correct nail and voila! Your kind, positive self hugs and forgives the dumb bitch and they rollerskate off into the sunset.